Well I'm home now (and don't get me wrong, really happy to be home!), but that means that the dreaded job search has begun. Most places I went to today told me to come back in a month with a resume. First, I really need a job now, not in a month. And second, since when do you need a resume to work in a restaurant or retail shop? I guess in a tourist town those are serious jobs. I think I'm going to have to talk to some people I know around town and try to get in somewhere through word of mouth.

I did go to one bar where the owner seemed quite pleased that I had 2 years serving experience and lived right down the street. She took my name and number and told me she would be calling me in a month or so. Which means if I can't find anything sooner at least that seems to be waiting for me.

On that note, if anyone lives near Manitou Springs CO and can help me out with some employment, I would love you forever!

On a positive note, I've been having some bouts of really low self esteem lately but today I must say that I looked very cute in my job hunting outfit :)

Okay, now I'm on my way out to take some texture shots for the arbenting blog and go pick up a lighter. Both things that I was supposed to do when I was job hunting earlier but got so depressed with it that I forgot.

I'm at my mom's today so I have access to the internet for the first time in over a week. I'm starting to realize that 3 weeks is a really long time to be away from home and I'm really ready to get back. My flight home is next wednesday on the 8th and it seems so far away. I'm ready to get home and start getting my life in order. My first step is that I really need a job and I'm getting worried that in our current economic environment I'm going to have trouble. I'll pretty much take anything though so that's got to work in my favor at least a bit.

Nothing has changed yet with Robert so I'm not expecting it to in the next week and a half. He actually seems to be getting worse. I'm watching him self destruct and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

More to come after I get home. Send me strength to get through the next week and a half lol.

Thanks so much to everyone who replied to my last post offering so much support. I'm sorry that I didn't find time to reply to each of you individually but you all helped to lift my spirits so much.

I'm about to leave to catch my flight then I have 3 weeks with the family in the middle of nowhereland. One way or another, we expect to have things figured out by the end of these three weeks.

I'll try to get online a few times while I'm there but net access will be scarce.

Love you all!!

I have to start getting over him. He's made it very clear that he's not in love with me anymore and even though I've looked so hard for something more, I've not seen anything except indifference in his eyes.

He keeps saying that he hopes to find his way back to me and even that he expects to, but the feeling I'm getting from him is that he'll never want anything other than casual friendship from me. Which really isn't all that special since he's such a nice guy and likes almost everyone.

I've been repeating the mantra all day to myself "He doesn't love you, get over him". So far it's not working but I figure I need to give it more than a day. I don't want to lose him (though I guess technically I already have) but I can't keep hanging in this state of limbo I'm in, where I love him more than anything else in this world and he sees me as a buddy.

Any advice for getting over the person who has been my true love for the past 12 years?

Stuck in limbo, how did I get here?
Awaiting fates hand, will it be cruel as always?
Hoping to find heaven, am I doomed to hell?

My greatest fear realized, have I lost everything?
Left in pieces, can a person survive this way?
My soul so wounded, will I eventually bleed out?

Do you really believe my pills are just a mask?
Does that mean that all I am anymore is the illness?
Have I lost myself never to be redeemed?

Will I ever be anything
....to you?

_____________________________________________________________

It's really strange, I've never been able to use writing as an emotional outlet but right now visual art isn't doing anything for me.

I'm having a really hard time accepting the fact that after 12 years the relationship is just over for now. He has absolutely nothing to offer anyone and just needs to be alone. If I'm willing to wait, he hopes to find his way back to me but he understands if I can't wait.

It makes me feel kind of pathetic but how can I not wait? He's the love of my life. For 12 years I've never wanted anyone other than him, I've always known without a doubt that he was my soul mate.

I've decided to go visit my family for a few weeks. Things are still strange and confusing for me. Robert has made it clear that we aren't together but he's working to get back to that point. However, most of the time he doesn't have anywhere else to stay so he's been staying here. We don't have any furniture other than the bedroom furniture so we've been sleeping in the same bed which I'm really not handling well.

So I figure if I go visit my family for 3 weeks or so it will be good for everyone. I'll get to visit with my family for the first time in a long time. Robert will have the place to himself to get some soul searching done. And I can separate myself from things a bit and maybe come back in a healthier place.

I'll pretty much be without a computer or internet the entire time which is going to be really hard. My mom has internet access but I won't be at her house a lot. I'll be at my grandma's house most of the time completely cut off from the outside world. So I expect to get a lot of writing done for the zine and get a lot of books read.

I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?

- John Lennon

I feel so alone here. I have no friends, Robert can't stand to be around me right now and all of my family lives over 1000 miles away. I don't know what to do, I feel like I've lost everything and now my life is completely sad and meaningless. I don't know how to do this and I'm losing it more every second.

You tell me you don't love me over a cup of coffee
And I just have to look away
A million miles between us
Planets crashing into dust
I just let it fade away

I'm walking empty streets hoping we might meet
I see your car parked on the road
The light on at your window
I know for sure that you're home
But I just have to pass on by

So no of course we can't be friends
Not while I'm still this obsessed
I guess I always knew the score
This is how our story ends

I smoke your brand of cigarettes
And pray that you might give me a call
I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls
Hanging round bars at night wishing I had never been born
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home

So no of course we can't be friends
Not while I still feel like this
I guess I always knew the score
This is where our story ends

You left behind some clothes
My belly somersaults when I pick them off the floor
My friends all say they're worried
I'm looking far too skinny
I've stopped returning all their calls

And no of course we can't be friends
Not while I'm still so obsessed
I want to ask where I went wrong
But don't say anything at all

It took a cup of coffee
To prove that you don't love me

So my grandma has started freaking out a bit now that I'm on my own. She's really worried about me and scared for my safety. She knows I'm a big hiker so the first thing she wanted to make sure of is that I would never go hiking alone. Apparently women go out hiking alone all the time and just disappear. I don't know where she's getting these stories, I know for a fact that in the Missouri/Arkansas flat lands where she lives there isn't much hiking to be done so it's probably not those hikers going missing. And we hardly ever have a hiker come up missing here, usually if anything happens it's something like a fall or an animal attack and the person is found quickly even if not all in one piece anymore.

I tried to tell her that while hiking, I have probably a 1% chance of having to deal with a person. I would more likely have to deal with some sort of wild animal and I have my training on how to do that. So now she's worried that I'm going to get kidnapped while hiking. I probably should have lied to her and promised her I would never hike alone but I'm so not a good liar and hate doing it.

Then she wanted to make sure that I keep my front door locked at all times. I told her that I lock it at night even though it's really not necessary here. But I can't help but wonder why she thought I was safer with Robert living here than I am now. Robert's a complete pacifist and knows pretty much nothing about fighting. But in her eyes, just having a man in the house makes you safer.

I know she means well but I hate that she worries so much about me just because I'm female, which in her eyes makes me a target and in danger pretty much all the time.